Parents and Pronouns, mk I.
(I expect there will be a lot more on these topics combined, so I’m starting the numbering now…)
I came out to my parents as genderqueer recently (after explaining to them in detail about Trans and the trans umbrella using some very handy Trans 101 workshop sheets). I ask them to call me Nat instead of Natalie* and to use ‘they’ instead of ‘she’. I am currently staying home with them for Christmas. They have got Nat about 25% of the time but the female pronouns are coming in relentlessly. Before today, I had mentioned my problem this:
- once in the car, angrily: “WRONG GENDER!” – and they replaced the world ‘girl’ with ‘individual’
- several times at Christmas: just correcting Natalie to Nat and ‘she’ to ‘they’ every time they said it – they acquiesced but didn’t usually restate
- at least one other time in conversation, when they told me that they didn’t use pronouns to someone’s face anyway because it was impolite, so I shouldn’t be worrying (along the lines of “Who’s she, the cat’s mother?”, I suppose, which my mother used to say to me a lot). This is irrelevant because I can still hear them referring to me as she/Natalie around the house, and because they DO have conversations with me involved where they use my pronouns.
That happened today – mum started gushing about “what a lovely girl” I was and how “I’m her mother so I can say this” – the sentiment of which was appreciated, but the volley of female pronouns in a few sentences really set me off. I’d decided that pronoun-wise they clearly Weren’t Getting It and I’d just leave it until after the holiday and then send them an email. But… yeah. I said “Thank you, but I’d like to remind you both that my pronoun isn’t ‘she’.” Mum snapped back, “Oh, do you really need to be so pedantic? Just leave it alone!” She looked quite offended. I said “I haven’t mentioned this for days now.” There was a bit of a silence and then mum started being unrelatedly angry about something else. I went upstairs, and a few minutes later I heard her go into her room and slam the door.
Thing is, despite how I may appear to the outside world, I do not feel like I have a lot of confidence in myself or my opinions or decisions. I have been wondering if it would be easier to grit my teeth and just put up with it, unless (until?) I end up presenting full-time male and want them to use ‘he’ and ‘Albert’. In some ways it would be far to be able to tell them something solid and binarised like that – I realise that this is a more nebulous thing for them to do, and I acknowledge they are trying and this isn’t something they’ve come across before. But at the same time, I do not want to feel (as I sometimes do) that it’s childish and demanding for me to ask for the name and pronouns with which I feel most comfortable, or that it’s a special gift and privilege if I AM addressed by said name and pronouns. So. We close with me feeling like I’ve not been listened to, and mum feeling like I’ve just… lashed out at her with no reason? (I believe that my tone was not aggressive; she may well disagree; we have a history of arguments based on this.) Not good.
So I went and knocked on her door, and the following conversation took place:
“I just want to tell you that I’m not angry at you, and I’m not being pedantic, but this is important to me. I know you don’t mean it to be, but it’s hurtful.”
“[eyerollingly] Why is it hurtful, Natalie?”
“[hesitantly] Because I’m – not female.”
“[sharply] What are you then?”
“[after a slight falter] Something else. [pause] I’m not asking you to understand it, but I am asking you to respect it.”
“[shortly] Alright then, I’ll try my best. [picks up book swiftly and keeps reading]“
I… have no idea if that went well or not. She seemed cross that I was bringing this up again – her usual modus operandi is to let things fester before seeming to drop them (but potentially bringing them up at any time in the future). I didn’t want to leave her simmering, especially since I’m going out for New Year as soon as I’ve finished writing this, and won’t be back until tomorrow, but… Gah. I feel less as though she gets it than I did after I came out, and that is not a good thing. Maybe I should ask them to call me Albert. Or Xyrenth.
*Not actual name. Anon blog is anon.
One the most important hand, my friend, you deserve to be respected. You have as much right to comfort as anyone else and if people using a word upsets you, you have the right to tell them not to use it. As a trans person, I definitely think that being mispronouned hurts a lot more than having to adjust how you refer to someone.
On the other hand, I’ve been out to my family for two whole years and they still only pronoun me correctly 85-or-so% of the time. It sucks and it hurts and it’s wrong but it’s very possibly the best I’m going to get from them until some unspecified point in the future when they finally realise I am a son and a brother. You’ve not been out very long, my friend and your parents are possibly still in shock (society did not provide them with the tools to know what to do in this situation and your current identity as not-female means they suddenly don’t have words that easily describe you. It’s almost certainly harder for you than for them but it is probably hard for them too.
On a third hand, I think the last thing anyone should do is try to compromise their identity with the wishes of their parents. An example from my own life, I’ve also known (more or less consistently) that I’m male and I’ve also been aware most of my life that my mum wanted a girl and that she didn’t like boys or want any more sons (she has three, including me). So I initially came out as “not a girl but not a boy” because I thought that would be easiest *for her*. I also initially chose to ignore my body dysphoria because of *her* objections to all forms of body-modification (no peircings, tattoos or plastic surgery for any of her offspring). It was doomed from the start and I hurt myself a lot by trying to compromise.
With a fourth hand, I now make a very good impression of various goddesses, but I also run out of useful things to say other than: Look after yourself. It is never selfish to want to feel safe.
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this shit. If you would like some suggestions, I have some ideas, but if not, know that people are listening and care, and that you deserve so much to have the words you use for yourself respected.
Thank you both very much for your comments (and thanks also to the friends who emailed me – I will respond soon!)
Theo, as ever, you’re brilliant. You’re right that this isn’t something they have the vocabulary for – but I thought my dad, at least, was 100% on-board with the idea that gender and biology were utterly distinct. I think I need to make it very clear to them that this isn’t just about a new nickname or my trying to get more Queer Points now I’m in my second straight-appearing serious relationship, it’s something fundamental and something I’ve felt for a long while, even if only recently I’ve started acquiring the vocabulary to describe it.
I… yeah. I don’t think I’m using GQ as a way to protect them from my being binary-FTM (unless that’s something I’m in denial about myself, which is certainly possible). But they certainly do not know the extent to which I identify as neutral, genderfucked or masculine, nor they seem particularly… interested in it? “I don’t mind” is so close to “I don’t care, don’t talk about it”. I know they’re being a lot better than they could be. But I am sick of “pretty” and “daughter” and “girl” and all these other words which just don’t. mean. me. I know from past experience that the more I am being boxed into femininity, the more I want to medically transition – which is something that I actually really don’t want to do, or at least don’t currently plan to, though when I read your T-update my second reaction (after “yay!”) was envy… but, when I’m with people who use “Nat” and neutral pronouns (with the occasional “Loretta” for high-femme moments and “Bert” for boymode) then I feel absolutely fine with my body. Mostly. So. Uh. Yeah. Still unpicking body dysphoria vs social dysphoria vs the politics of clothes/hair/etc vs words… and now I’m going on and on, and this would be better suited to a new post, once I have actual time.
Oscar, thank you so much for your support, and I would love some suggestions. (Also, from a cursory glance, your blog looks fantastic, and I will read it – again, when I have actual time, and not just procrastination-time.)
Nat, in hindsight, my comment does look a bit like I’m say “Genderqueer is always a phase!” which was not at all my intention. Apologies to anyone I may have upset or confused!
I guess what I mean to say is: Do whatever feels most comfortable for you, before you worry about how other people will take it. Does that make any more sense? I hurt myself by putting other (cis) people’s interpretations of my body and my gender and my life before my own feelings (post about this due sometime this month). If it feels good, it’s probably right. If Nat and neutral feel right, use them until and unless they ever don’t.
I really don’t want to tell anyone what to do or how to be trans so feel free to take or leave any part of what I’ve said. I just kinda wish I’d known back then that my own feelings counted more than other people’s thoughts about how I should feel.