It’s been a while.
Hello again.
A year and a half later, and I’m returning to this blog. I made it a hell of a long time ago, during a strange moment of self-awareness and identity-fragmentation. I made four or five new online identities, compartmentalising my interests and hiding my secrets in plain sight under new names. They all fizzled out very quickly (even my original, oldest, been-there-since-2004 one has been nearly dead for a while) due to… well, life.
So, what happened to Xyrenth in a year and a half? They repressed their trans identity until things reached crisis point, and eventually seperated from their long-term partner (cisgendered, straight, vanilla, and the ‘opposite’ sex). Xyrenth was lucky enough to be catapulted straight from the breakup into an environment full of lovely queers, who have given them a great deal of information, advice, and support about their gender identity. Since then, Xyrenth’s intense, desperate desire to biologically transition quietened down rather a lot, since it no longer seemed like the only way to escape from an unhappy ‘straight’ relationship. They’re still thinking about it, but they’re also thinking about trying to work with the body they have. They’re also now going to stop trying to write this in the third person.
In the past three or four months, I’ve outed myself as trans/genderqueer to more friends than I ever thought I could, including some who I didn’t expect to ever tell. I’ve asked some of my close friends to start using gender-neutral pronouns when referring to me, and this week (Reading Week – no university lectures) I’ve asked them to use my ‘opposite’ sex name and pronouns. It’s… exciting.
(I’m not sure whether or not to discuss my ‘biological’ sex or not here. It’s tricky. I want to successfully present as gender-neutral, and the textual medium here makes that a lot easier. But I don’t think I’ll be able to talk about my gender identity in any sort of detail without discussing where I’m coming from, as it were. So… Fine. I have a body which has been female-assigned and has near-uniformly been read as female. My relationship to this is a difficult one, and perhaps one for discussion in a later post.)
Being accepted and supported has made such a difference. I am happier than I have been in a long time, because now I’m finding out so much about myself, who I am, who I want to be, who I can be. Queer (pansexual? polysexual?), genderqueer, polyamorous, kinky, and happy with this instead of racked by guilt at not being the perfect femme-ciswoman for my boyfriend. So thanks to him for knowing when to let go, because my new life is fabulous. And thanks, all my queer and queer-loving friends, for being here, and listening and talking and offering hugs and tea and chocolate every time I’m all trangsty. And last but very much not least, thanks to my new partner (although ‘new’ is a bit of strange word here, because this is a person I’ve known and been close to for a very long time) for the humbling love and respect for me in all my forms, genders, and personas.
Wow, that got a little sappy. I think I need to work on my writing style, if this is going to be Serious Trans Blog about Serious Trans Things. (And already the part of me that wants to compartmentalise everything is wondering if I should a Personal Trans Blog and a Serious Political Trans Blog… *headdesk*) Since that first entry, I’ve been becoming more involved in activism and the LGBTQ community. And I would like to write about serious things. But right now I guess this is just to say… hello, I am back.
